I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
