Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
