I can text with my tongue
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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