woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
