Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
