Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
