I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize