I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
