...so i touched it.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
