Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
