I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
