I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
