i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
