you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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