i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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