i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
