a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
