Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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