It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
