oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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