you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
