The maid of honor just puked.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
