I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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