dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
