i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
