What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
