You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
