I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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