you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
