So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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