I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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