end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
How external is "for external use only"?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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