Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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