ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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