i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
