Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I fill condoms, not promises.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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