pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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