the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
