Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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