Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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