I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My vagina is officially offended.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
