Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
A+ Viking dick
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
