i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
this just has baby written all over it
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
