If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
