I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
birth control should be required to get into college
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
