so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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