I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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