That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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