my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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