Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
last night I used snow as a chaser
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