I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
