So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
