haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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