god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You ate ashes out of my bong
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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